saturdays are crazy days. i always end saturday scratching my head wondering how the week is beginning again. likewise, i decided that saturday would be a time for reflecting upon where a relationship that i once valued above most others has gone. what i ended up with was a letter. while deeply personal, i have a feeling it would be hard for most to pinpoint the person to whom it's penned-- but there's probably a good chance they may come to this note at some point know. after this experience, i'd encourage anyone to write a letter you never intend to send with all the things you'd never say. powerful schtuff.
dear,
i'm taken with the idea that you're out there accomplishing all your big dreams, and finally, i'm accomplishing mine too. we're running the incredible race, and we're winning. but we aren't winning together. and i think we always thought we would. i want to call you up and tell you about all those big dreams. i want to tell you about the little moments that only you would bear witness as magnificent. and yet, we don't call each other. i smile when i think, if only you knew… and i know you must feel that way too. i think we once believed that we only needed a few more years under our belts, a little bit more maturing, a little bit less of ourselves getting in the way of us. but what we have now is merely the distance.
i'm proud of you.
you're living your life in all the wonderful ways i knew you would. i wish i was bold enough to call you up and tell you that you cross my mind in the moments that i capture. in the seconds where our daydreams are lived in real life. i wish you knew how eloquently my thoughts convey the reality we no longer share. i wish you knew how many times i would give my paycheck to fly and share a cup of coffee.
i wish i knew if you wished the same.
we're older, we're wiser. we're not the same, we're distant. but i think…
you'll always be my the other half of my future i didn't have. even if the days unfold and the future i choose to live looks different than the one we envisioned. you dreamed with me on the darkest days. you were the voice that talked me through the longest nights.
i hope you know that when i look back i see you. but when i look ahead i see you too.
because you believed there was something to look toward. you saw it when i didn't.
i think it's better than either of us could have pictured.
but you aren't in the picture, and somehow i feel like that was the last thing i ever thought would happen.
well, there's that.
todays Christmas song: What Christmas Means to Me (Hanson)
why? because i still contend that this is the best pop Christmas song-- yes. better than *NSYNC. and i know there's lots of naysayers. but it's been on repeat for me and it seriously takes me back to 4th grade. the christmas party. the first time we felt older. the teacher left the class for a few minutes at the end of the day (proof that we were older) and we cranked up the stereo when this song came on. we were all already standing and playing but we all moved around the stereo and danced. it was a wonderful, magical memory.
back when growing up was the achievement, what we longed for.
now.. at this season, how is it that we'd trade it all to be kids again? :)
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