i think i was hasty. i think i jumped the gun. i think that had i thought things through, my bold, public statement about my journey through the 25 days of christmas would have been nixed. i think i didn't think.
and i know that's exactly what needed to happen.
i'm a private person. i think through everything. i don't let the world into my heart. i don't share what's really going on in me. i expertly craft walls that keep me safe and others out. i parrot the word "fine" till it's not even a word anymore.
the Lord has blessed me with a friendship in which i don't act (often). it's seems fitting, and in divine timing that i had a long chat with that person last night. everything about our conversation was so rooted in the deep things of my heart. the things that have tied me to frustration. and hate. and control.
frustration. hate. and control. these are choices. i don't know how or when i made the decision to live life so comfortably in their prison. likewise, my mouth tightly muted and my heart clenched beneath my fist put me.. keep me in bondage. to live in that posture-- it's inviting the enemy to come in and set up house. in making a decision without thinking, i made a different invitation.
even if i wanted to, i couldn't describe what freedom came in spurts and starts last night. i know a lot of my thoughts were intelligible. i'm sure most of what i said seemed nonsensical.
but it was a start. it was a gift from the Lord offered through the love of one of His children. a mentor that calls Him her Good Father.
i'm not there yet. but i think i'm walking closer.
i think it's starts when i stop acting. i think it starts when i stop thinking.
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