"though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death; i won't fear. because You're with me..." psalm 23:4
i've come to see that His hand was with me through the last year and a half when life seemed the darkest. we walked through death together, and He brought me to the other side. and now...
"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." psalm 23:5
it's so hard to reconcile this, when i feel like i'm my own enemy. when the battles i wage are against myself. when my war against my flesh is my waking thought, my step that leads me down to my daily destruction. i want to destroy myself...
the weird thing is, He wants that too.
we're in the same battle. but our wars are on different fronts. i must die, on that matter, we can agree. but in place of my death.... He must be what lives. when i tear down all the walls and peel back the layers, i don't want to just desire a wrecked amanda, a weak amanda, a little girl lost amanda. i am all those. but His power is made all the more perfect in my weakness. He put order to my destruction; for He is stronger. He cradles that little girl: He's the father she never had.
He rewrites my story.
someday i'm not going to be physically uncomfortable at the thought of sitting at a meal with Jesus. when i'll be able to stare her (myself, my enemy, my disorder) in the face and realize that the Jesus sitting next to me is stronger than the enemy holding captive what i believe. when the voice with fingernails squeezing piercing my heart isn't resounding.. defeaning my ears.
but i can't get there on my own. and i don't want that all the time. and i don't know what to do with the moments i don't.
He is my shepard. He will lead me. He will answer.
