day 5. perspective.

i had an interesting conversation yesterday.

day 4. dear,

saturdays are crazy days. i always end saturday scratching my head wondering how the week is beginning again. likewise, i decided that saturday would be a time for reflecting upon where a relationship that i once valued above most others has gone. what i ended up with was a letter. while deeply personal, i have a feeling it would be hard for most to pinpoint the person to whom it's penned-- but there's probably a good chance they may come to this note at some point know. after this experience, i'd encourage anyone to write a letter you never intend to send with all the things you'd never say. powerful schtuff.

dear,

i'm taken with the idea that you're out there accomplishing all your big dreams, and finally, i'm accomplishing mine too. we're running the incredible race, and we're winning. but we aren't winning together. and i think we always thought we would. i want to call you up and tell you about all those big dreams. i want to tell you about the little moments that only you would bear witness as magnificent. and yet, we don't call each other. i smile when i think, if only you knew… and i know you must feel that way too. i think we once believed that we only needed a few more years under our belts, a little bit more maturing, a little bit less of ourselves getting in the way of us. but what we have now is merely the distance.

i'm proud of you.

you're living your life in all the wonderful ways i knew you would. i wish i was bold enough to call you up and tell you that you cross my mind in the moments that i capture. in the seconds where our daydreams are lived in real life. i wish you knew how eloquently my thoughts convey the reality we no longer share. i wish you knew how many times i would give my paycheck to fly and share a cup of coffee.

i wish i knew if you wished the same.

we're older, we're wiser. we're not the same, we're distant. but i think…

you'll always be my the other half of my future i didn't have. even if the days unfold and the future i choose to live looks different than the one we envisioned. you dreamed with me on the darkest days. you were the voice that talked me through the longest nights.

i hope you know that when i look back i see you. but when i look ahead i see you too.

because you believed there was something to look toward. you saw it when i didn't.

i think it's better than either of us could have pictured.

but you aren't in the picture, and somehow i feel like that was the last thing i ever thought would happen.

well, there's that.

todays Christmas song: What Christmas Means to Me (Hanson)

why? because i still contend that this is the best pop Christmas song-- yes. better than *NSYNC. and i know there's lots of naysayers. but it's been on repeat for me and it seriously takes me back to 4th grade. the christmas party. the first time we felt older. the teacher left the class for a few minutes at the end of the day (proof that we were older) and we cranked up the stereo when this song came on. we were all already standing and playing but we all moved around the stereo and danced. it was a wonderful, magical memory.

back when growing up was the achievement, what we longed for.

now.. at this season, how is it that we'd trade it all to be kids again? :)

day 3. thankful.

there is such a peace that comes with the Lord's timing-- walking through life along His ordered steps, letting Him have the space to move, allowing your journey to align with His bigger Story. i've heard that often and practiced it little, but i can already see how doing that in this season, through this journey is making is letting God move. God breathe into me. God speak.

last night at the mil, the talk was about being attentive to God. (see where i'm going with this!) along with that, it's about being attentive to the bigger Story. the God Story. what's awesome though, is when we realize that our story is part of the God Story. that what He's doing in each of us, is part of what He's doing in all of us. getting the bigger picture helps us zoom out of our present circumstances and see those circumstances in light of the Scripture, in light of the Bigger Story.

right now, life is not good. but the Bigger Story is the miracle that I am writing any of this. the Bigger Story takes stepping out of this day and this week. this struggle, this loss. what has God done in the last year? what has God done in my life the last 2 years? if, when we look in our rearview mirror, we look at what God has done rather than at how we have fallen short-- that's when we overflow with gratitude. not when i look at how i've messed up, but at what God has done in spite of my mess ups, what He's done with them.

it's putting God back into His Story.

when we take Him out of His Story, we have to be the ones that assume control.

(sound like we've gotten full circle yet? if not, read day two)

so i'm taking some time to look back. not at what i've lost [though that's easy to do] i'm looking at where God's Story has made my story beautiful. this time of year more than any other that's painful for me. but this season of the year especially shows how our jealous God is writing His Story. how He fulfills his promises. and how redemption is the heart, the plan, the answer.

look back, and you'll see that. today… i'm making a decision to be thankful.

todays Christmas song: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. (as sung by Miss Amanda, Everett, Beckett, and Francie Anderson)

why? tonight i got to hang out with the children i affectionately call "my kids." before mill we went to chick-fil-a drove through and then went back to my office to have a picnic dinner and watch toy story before i dropped them off at kidslife. in the van we sang christmas carols and everyone laughed and yelled. it was a sweet moment. i cherish those rides and those kiddos.

day 2. hope and a future.

certain situations and experiences have shaped my perspective. and my perspective created the amanda there is today.

for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

during all staff yesterday, as i reflected on my conversation from the night before, the Lord showed me a lot about how i've used situations where i've felt abandoned, and experiences where i felt threatened to color the way i react. they've led me to avoid those circumstances… led me down the road of control.

on a day to day basis, that looks like controlling my situation-- being in the front seat of the decision making.

as a lifestyle, it's doubting that God could really have a good enough plan-- that after all the disappointments that my dreams could ever be met by God.

the inability to trust that God's plans are better than my hopes, that Gods's future for amanda will meet my dreams, fulfill my expectations.

it's the "hope and a future" part of scripture.

to come back to that nights conversation, this question was posed to me.. it was perspective changing. it was one of those, oh… moments.

so, do you think that God's plan as a Good father, a loving father, is that the bondage you've lived in for 22 years is all that He created you for? what would be God's purpose? what would be the point?

which leaves me to wrestle-- if He didn't intend me for bondage, if that hope and a future really is true-- why am I not living it out everyday?

to keep this blog still tied to Christmas, i'm starting a Christmas song of the day. along with a reason. go.

todays Christmas song: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. (*NSYNC)

why? this day was the thursday (our version of friday) after the church was closed for a week for thanksgiving. we all felt like we couldn't make it a moment longer. so, i put this *NSYNC classic on the super stereo and mia, brooke and i danced around and sang at the top of our lungs through the duration of the song. it did the soul good. trust me. if only we had pictures... next time though. it's gonna be a tradition for sure.

day 1. i think.

i think i was hasty. i think i jumped the gun. i think that had i thought things through, my bold, public statement about my journey through the 25 days of christmas would have been nixed. i think i didn't think.

and i know that's exactly what needed to happen.

i'm a private person. i think through everything. i don't let the world into my heart. i don't share what's really going on in me. i expertly craft walls that keep me safe and others out. i parrot the word "fine" till it's not even a word anymore.

the Lord has blessed me with a friendship in which i don't act (often). it's seems fitting, and in divine timing that i had a long chat with that person last night. everything about our conversation was so rooted in the deep things of my heart. the things that have tied me to frustration. and hate. and control.

frustration. hate. and control. these are choices. i don't know how or when i made the decision to live life so comfortably in their prison. likewise, my mouth tightly muted and my heart clenched beneath my fist put me.. keep me in bondage. to live in that posture-- it's inviting the enemy to come in and set up house. in making a decision without thinking, i made a different invitation.

even if i wanted to, i couldn't describe what freedom came in spurts and starts last night. i know a lot of my thoughts were intelligible. i'm sure most of what i said seemed nonsensical.

but it was a start. it was a gift from the Lord offered through the love of one of His children. a mentor that calls Him her Good Father.

i'm not there yet. but i think i'm walking closer.

i think it's starts when i stop acting. i think it starts when i stop thinking.

twentyfive days of christmas

i am not the amanda that i was a year and a half ago. something swiftly and soundly died in me about 17 months ago. sometimes that's what happens: death happens so that life can take shape.

i am not an "adult", graduated, married-- whole, healed and happy. i am not the amanda i thought i would be. i am also not the amanda that lived in a hospital 2 years ago. i am not the amanda that looked at twinkling christmas lights from the 8th floor of Childrens. i am the amanda that had to let a lot go, so that i could become an amanda i don't recognize.. so that i could be. and be.

i dropped my pen a while ago. i ushered myself into a life where i didn't control what happened next. (or at least i attempted failed, and attempted and failed some more not to control). i am glad i am not the amanda i was 17 months ago. but i am also not the amanda that i was 17 months before that: a student at VFCC and everything that accompanied that lifestyle.. the 17 months before that i was just beginning college-- just graduated, tentatively hopeful, heart given away.

hopeful. christmas is a season of hope. the birth of our long expected Savior signifies a hope, a people ransomed. as well as our continued hope for a second coming, His return.

i think there are a lot of earthly reminders of Christmas-- of our Christ hope-- even in some of secular Christmas practices. for kids, the month of December is a season of hoping, and a season of waiting. it's a season of expectations, and a time of wonder. everything seems "magical." christmas cookies, falling snow, twinkling lights, tree ornaments, jingling bells, joyful songs, wrapped packages, church productions. expectation. wonder… magic.

when 17 months adds to 17 months adds to 17 months somewhere you find along the years the marker where i stopped hoping. stopped. my expectations found their end in broken dreams. the flame of wonder went out. the magic.. the magic was gone. the month of december is not the only time i'm aware of it… it's just been the time the condition of my heart was most raw.

for a number of years i have silently hated Christmas. i am a holiday person. i am festive. i am easily excitable. i love to bring joy and share joy and experience joy. i think that's why my first inclination is to run (literally away) when Thanksgiving rolls around. i don't enjoy the way i feel nor do i want to share it-- but there is nothing more exhausting than hiding it.

the amanda i have been for the last number of years has let the emotions (and the lack of emotions), the memories, the struggles shape this month. and in a smaller way, my life. i have been challenged recently to take back those aspects of my life. and i am challenging myself to take it back right now.

here is where you come in. i invite you to journey with me through the next 25 days-- the first 25 of December-- as we lead up to Christmas Day. i will try my hardest to keep a daily update captured in words and through pictures on the ways i am taking back hope, taking back the magic… and in doing so, taking back a piece of my life.

i don't honestly know yet what this looks like: perhaps it's just a matter of finding the joy in the simpleness of making paper snowflakes, holiday cups, and seeing Christmas through the eyes of the children that have filled my life, perhaps it's surrounding myself with people and drinking eggnog rather than running, perhaps it's partially in reflection from others, i don't know. one of the things i love most in life is surprises, the last 17 months has been a surprise, i'm excited to see what surprises will come. i'm asking for your suggestions, for your encouragement, for your prayers. i'm asking you to walk this journey alongside me. if you want to.

maybe you need to heal, maybe you need to walk out of hate and into hope as well. i'm not sure where you're at, but i do know that complacency will leave us tethered to our frustrations and i'm frustrated enough to walk toward the something else i don't know.

come with me. 25 days till Christmas-- let the hoping begin. :)