“i just can’t give up now. i’ve come too far from where i started from..
nobody told me this road would be easy,
but i don’t believe He’s brought me this far to leave me.”
it’s easy. unbelief is easy. doubt.. it’s easy. the road without the struggle, yes, that’s the easy route.
even as i began to write this, my heart aches for a road map. hearing the voice of God is much more difficult than reading the directions i’ve written for my life. it’s hard to wait. and it’s hard to not have the answers to the questions that are stirring in my heart.
i want to know the path. i’m impatient for what’s next. but really, i’m having a hard time not knowing if this waiting, and listening, and hearing is taking me the right way. if what i’m hearing is me
or God. in the midst of the talking i’m doing, i’m trying to decipher a voice more knowing than my own. i feel like i’m talking in circles. and frustrated that my circular talk, clearly, gets me nowhere.
and then i fall down, and i wonder how to get back up. i look at the last year and half and i get frustrated. i start to ponder how many circles of thinking, created patterns of misaction, creating kaleidoscopes of mistakes that make me dizzy in retrospect and make me tired for the future. i want to be excited. i think that might be about shifting that circular thinking… to spiral thinking.
“spiral thinking.”
life is like a spiral. you can never experience the same thing twice. we’re always moving, always lengthening the spiral. even if you get around the curve and you feel like you’re in the same place… you aren’t. you are never is the same place. you’ve moved outward and onward, to anoth
er ring of the spiral.
this spiral that has been the journey of the last couple years of my life is still moving. it’s moving on the good days, the bad days, and the days when i want the world to simply halt so that i can catch up. this spiral that is life never stands still no matter the pleasantries with which we beg it or the maneuvers we attempt to outsmart it. this spiral has been long, and hard, and so frustrating. but about a year ago i decided that it isn’t my choice to quit—that those sorts of decisions weren’t up to me. so i’ve been living, and trying
and spiraling on good days and bad.
and i’ve made it through the year. i’ve made it 17 months. i’ve made it 21 years.
i’ve made it this far, i’ve survived the spiral. He’s brought me this far. we’ve lived the spiral.
and though i may not know what comes next and it may not be easy, He hasn’t failed me yet. and He won’t fail me now.
