"this is that you were made for."

today, i shared a very startling revelation with someone. 

it's about what makes your heartbeat. i've really been seeing this grow in me since despo, and that's exciting. 

"this is what you were made for."

 far too often, i get caught up in the lies i've believed for so long about myself. lies that hinge on the belief that i am not worth love, forgiveness, dreams, a future-- really when it all boils down, the lie that i don't deserve life. 

 but the thing is, i wasn't made to believe in words spoken that shattered dreams or the whispers of an enemy unseen. i wasn't made for disease and bondage and accidents and brokenness. 

 i was made to have a heartbeat. i was made to run, and dance, and praise. i was made to come alive. 

 i was made to be worthy, to sing to and be sung over by my Creator. i was made to fight the lies, to fight the disease. i was made to love. and with that, it would be wrong for me to live guarded.. so i don't want to anymore. i want to be guilty of being reckless--of loving too freely, of hoping for things far beyond what i can see, of dreaming dreams too big for my earthly strength to reach--freely giving away that which does not belong to me. (that being every part of me.)

 because i am not my own.

 but i don't belong to my disease and my failure and my brokenness. 

 i belong to the One that fixes all of that. and then makes me new. 

my heart beats for the moments i spend being surprised by the greatness that He has for me. SERIOUSLY?! He has greatness for me? that's the revelation. a newcrazyexcitinglifebreathingrevelationstirringinme. that's the cry of my orphaned, broken heart. not just that He fixes it. but that He makes it come alive in Him. that He becomes me heartbeat. and that He fills me with dreams and desires far beyond my own. and that those desires, His desires for me become the only thing that makes my heart beat.

so that i can do much more than this (though this is a start).

so that i can do what i was made for.

(and yes, i know a lot of this is ending sentences with prepositions.. it just sounded better. so i'm breaking my own rule.) just deal. :)

i am.

i am alive.

my story, every line that i write, is indicative of the most amazing thing that happened throughout the last year of my life...

i lived.

my heart limped, my car somersaulted, my body failed, my soul ached, my resolve wavered, and my faith fell.

but i lived.

my God seemed indifferent, my disease all-powerful, my friends distant, my family defeated, and my future uncertain. 

and i lived.

i was a body of bones and skin. drained of life and purpose and hope.

when friends called i pressed ignore because i was too tired to paint a lie that i was ok. as morning dawned my night weary eyes strained to read the frantic letters i typed on my keyboard-- intelligible words about a hope i strained to grasp and a recovery i didn't believe in. days became weeks became months in a hospital that started to smell like home and taste like defeat. i dreamed thought to which songs would be played at my funeral rather than my college graduation.

this may sound morbid. really, it is, morbid. because honestly.. what is lifeless living but walking death.

and still, i lived.

i came home expecting to return to valley forge in the fall of '08.. sicker, that semester began and my hospitalization continued. my sights set on january, my body and my mind resolved to make it that far. for the fall, i entered the world and lived beyond the hospital. i returned to the forge for vacation and believed for more. then december came and i was confined to a wheelchair rolling past the twinkling lights of the 8th floor christmas tree. the constant tears in my eyes making the holiday colors bleed together and wash away what hope i held for spring. 

my new years resolution was to stay out of the hospital for the year: i made it six days. 

i stopped making promises. i could keep going but the next 6 months played out very similarly, save a passed nursing certification and a catastrophic car crash. 

all that, and i lived.

i believe people can be desperate for God because they cultivate a desire to know Him and continually fuel that until it becomes all consuming. i also believe desperation can stem from necessity. often times, the latter is a firecracker that explodes and dies. it's been that way for me before.

i think my experience is somewhat of a union of the two.

i'm not going back to valley forge. at this point, i'm going to say i don't think i ever will. obviously, God can radically change things as He's shown in the last year and a half. but for now He's doing something in me i can't remember experiencing.

because He didn't make me to be living dead. He created me for life.

i come alive when i stand in front of 300 kids and play a character that brings the words of the bible to action. i come alive when i am surrounded by over a thousand college age students passionately worshiping and growing. but most importantly, i am learning to come alive through talking. and listening. and laying back in arms far stronger than mine. i came to colorado springs last april broken. i attended a church without knowing a soul and without being involved for the first time in my life. i watched. i folded my arms and avoided eye contact. and then in a service at the june desperation service i sat and listened to a man tell me of an orphan mentality that i clearly held. i folded my arms and rolled my eyes as he told me i was a daughter.

that night, during worship God unfolded my arms and i stretched them high. 

i wanted immediate healing. i was "ready" for it. but perhaps the days and weeks since then have showed me even more about the single sermon that wrecked my world.

i am not an orphan. but i am learning to be a daughter. but that's another subject for another time.

for now: i'm alive. i once was dead but now i'm alive. 

i am alive.

 

**this is just the beginning. i'm starting a new story and i'm excited to see where the next year takes me. i know greater things are going to come of all of this and i will be happy to share what i'm learning and how i'm growing and how i'm falling in love with God along the way. please join me. i welcome what you have to say.