Never give up.

I wrote this letter to myself in January of 2009. I was living in a hospital at the time, hooked up to a heart monitor that would chime at night every time my rhythm fell below 40 bpm. In January 2009, I had never experienced kids worship. I hadn't had the "moment" when I felt the Holy Spirit speak and I knew in my heart I was made to jump and sing and lead "the least of these" to declare power and truth over their lives. It's crazy to think that time existed. But today I happened upon an email and realized that this prophetic encouragement was for such a time as this moment. It hasn't been edited (sorry I was in an ee cummings non-capitalizing phase) and it's raw and real... 
and it was just what I needed to read today. I'm resurrecting this quiet, old blog space to post a 7 year old letter because maybe you need this, too. 
Keep going. Never give up.

i may not always feel this way... so i’m going to write this to you now. because right now might be all i have to put these thoughts to page and express what i want to believe even in the moments i don’t.

he said, “what makes you human is the greatest thing about you.” and in that, there is a struggle.  because you are human. you can’t be more, and even in the darkest of moments you aren’t any less. but because you are human, things have happened. and therein lies your story: your story has struggles.

don’t let go...
the struggles are shaping you.

to go to battle with yourself, first you have to fight. you’ve been fighting for a long time, and it isn’t over yet. but every moment you choose to fight is a moment that you are choosing the struggle, you’ve chosen not to let this win. even in the moments you try to deny it, you could have given up long ago. you could have quit. but you’re still going. and even if it hasn’t moved you from the base to the mountain top it’s kept you going, kept you climbing. 24-7 you try to deny the strength that could be, that might be inside. you don’t believe in it.

it’s ok not to believe in it yet.
it’s ok to struggle to believe in anything.

but people believe in you, people believe that you can win. people believe that you are more than your failures, more than your illness, more than the thoughts that plague your mind.. that fill your lungs with shame. you can breathe different air, and perhaps that is a choice. and you aren’t ready to take it yet. you aren’t ready to make it yet.

it’s ok not to be ready.
it’s ok to struggle.

you have these big dreams. multifaceted and built on a promise that you can use your humanity, your struggles to help those around you. you don’t want to believe you have to help yourself first... no matter how many people tell you otherwise. maybe because the idea of helping yourself seems so foreign that it’s far beyond a dream. it reaches past what you can grasp.

you don’t have to have it all together at this very moment. because not only will you eventually come to terms with the fact that you are only human, but eventually you’ll be willing to let others see it too. and not just in a room with the door closed and only the walls and the person you trust the most there waiting to let you fall apart and put you back together. your humanity is what connects you to every person that you meet. and maybe, your struggles also.

you aren’t ready to give up identifying yourself as sick. you still feel like you need to. for right now; you may. but that doesn’t mean tomorrow, next month, in a year that will be the case. you are still in the struggle, but remember: all that means is that you haven’t given up. you are growing each day. and while your body may be slipping, inside you are building up your strength. that’s good. the greatest battles may lay ahead. but continue to let the tools you learn be the armor that prepares you to fight. let every card you receive be a weapon against the trials you can’t see. they’re coming. but in time, you’ll be ready. you’ve seen that you can trust. trust isn’t supposed to be given like the bleeding heart you’ve attached to your sleeve. it’s ok to protect that which makes you feel safe.

but eventually, you have to stop letting fear be the fence that provides your safety. those wooden posts of woes caught on fire long ago and have been leaving scathing marks on those that try to come in. you have to fan the flames. you have done it, and you’ll have to do it again. let the proof that one person can extinguish the blaze soften you to the idea that another can as well. 

it’s ok to be scared.
but don’t forget you’ve learned something along the way,
in the face of that fear... it’s ok to trust.

let today be the tomorrow you’ve pathologically promised yourself. let each moment be the seconds you’ve let slip beyond your reach. it doesn’t mean everything is solved. and it doesn’t mean it should have been. borrow from what others have believed for you. what they’ve seen for you, told you, instilled in you. i think you want to take some of that confidence and outfit yourself with a new perspective. try it on. and let it feel wrong until it feels right.

it’s ok to struggle.
it’s ok to not believe.
it’s ok to not be ready.
it’s ok to be scared.

because the okayness is temporary anyway.
because your dream isn’t to be okay. certainly, your dream is to be more. but right now, with this next breath you take, you don’t have to be more. you can be what you are. and that doesn’t have to be fine, or wonderful, or all the tritely crafted lies you’ve fashioned yourself into believing. one day those answers will come, and they’ll be genuine. and those moments will be refreshing and they’ll be real, and they’ll be numerous. but right now you’re still struggling, because you’re recovering. and you’re hating the process, and the problems, and the changes. but you’re doing it. you’re being human. and whatever being human means right now, that’s what’s ok.

it’s ok not to be ok.