today could have, should have, would have been my graduation day.
today's the day i could have made a lot of people proud. today's the day i should have been working toward since i first stepped foot on the VFCC campus. today's the day that i would have beaten all the odds stacked against me.
but today i worked at new life. today i babysat the andersons. today i did pneumatology correspondence homework. today i took a coffee break with a friend.
today looked a lot different than all the dreams i had as i walked through the brick buildings of "the Forge" years ago. armed with my oboe that played me into a scholarship and a name that went before me like a servant opening doors, i believed a new location would spell a change i had yet been unable to write.
no, i wouldn't change going to the Valley Forge. i met people i loved and yet don't speak to with whom i created memories i'll never forget. as i look at those faces on facebook tonight, i'm proud for them. amazed at who they've become. excited for them to experience the heartache and adventure of being an adult..
and i'm unsettled.
3 years ago i went from my birthday party to a hospital room within days. the people i did life with on a daily basis were permanently erased from face to face interaction. i still miss them today and yet wonder if i'll ever hug them again. notably: the instrument i had played almost every day for 9 years never again left it's case.
at the time i thought i was pausing the story. i tried for over a year to go back. you've heard it all before. the children's hospital. in and out, in and out. the accident. coming to New Life. and eventually... experiencing new life.
in my story, "the Forge..." became the was. a failure of my heart both on a physical and spiritual level. not a walk across a platform but a stain on my transcript. that place i could never quite get back to. and thus, part of the story, in all the winning never overcome.
i'm a little melancholy right now. honestly, i think i'm grieving a part of my story that will never quite sit right. my pastor has recently been sharing a lot about a traumatic event, and in reading i realize that much of what i'm feeling makes sense. mostly because what i experienced doesn't.
in the face of all of this: i am unshakably thankful. i am alive, and that alone is a miracle. in March, almost exactly 3 years after leaving the Forge, Jared Anderson (worship leader and father of 4 children i babysit and love) and i led a "Family Worship Night" where the Lord clearly showed me that He saved me from death's clutches, so that i could take off my grave clothes and dance.
and dance i do. i dance, sing, and worship in a way that i hope simply testifies that God's word is final. His words that are for us and love to us.
i know that my story didn't end when my time at the Forge did.
so today i am sad. but today i am also thankful. and the day after tomorrow i'll be in "big church" directing the kids of the New Life Kids Choir in a song about how sweet it is to trust in the One who walks with us through it all.
it is so sweet to trust in Jesus. yesterday that is true. tomorrow that is true.
and today that is true.
4 comments:
I love you.
Hey Amanda :) your words are so inspiring, and though I havent lived your story, I also am in Colorado now (aurora), feeling both proud for all our classmates, and also a little unsettled, as i'm also not there. wondering what the rest of His plans are for me. I pray that I may stick close to Jesus, walking right into what He has..and amen, that He has brought us from death to life, and He'd do it over & over again :) I also pray I may be used thru worship, music, dance, children, the arts, and whatever means to tell the world His story. Keep on dancing, sister :)
I know we haven't spoken in a long time and I'm not sure if we ever will, but I am so happy that you have a found your calling and for what you're doing now. We sang, "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." It is so true. I pray that in the future you continue to look back and see how God's hand was upon even in the darkest of times.
Love,
Best Friend for Freaking Forever.
Amanda, I am so proud of who and where you are. Don't think of it as a stain on your transcript, but simply another direction God took you in. He called, you answered. You clearly seem to be enjoying the live you now lead, and it seems that the people around you would certainly confirm that as well.
The year I graduated (the first time,) one of the first sermons I heard was about the Israelites in th desert, and how we never truly graduate from the school of learning to depend and rely on God. There is no Bachelor of Arts in Following God. We're all always learning. And as long as you're still following, you have everything to be proud of.
Love,
Uncle Brian
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